It can be a really weird thing. Really, honestly trying to defend yourself from invisible enemies. Where do you start? Everyone has their own demons, but I burnt most of mine out with too much acid. The result left me confused and grasping for a strong hold on what was real for everyone else. Laughing at everything life hands you regardless of how painful it is - that's not real for most people - but that was my New Year's Resolution and I did it. No, really - for the most part. I have the drugs to thank for that, I can be honest about that. But I found my own happiness and it lasts a lot longer now than a couple of hours over the weekend. Every day is full with this opportunity to let go, and that's something I'm really thankful for. You can try and understand that, or you can accept it. Or still you could tell me I'm naive, foolish, pretentious, snobby, bitchy - fuck- I'm sure you have plenty of words for it, but for me - right now, I call it liberated. And it feels a lot better than door-mat, miserable, withdrawn, anti-social - I am really proud of what I've personally accomplished, and no one is going to make me feel bad for that. And that feels really good to say too.

But it shouldn't even be offensive, see that's a part I don't understand either. This backlash, it is what it is - but there is nothing I can do about it. Distance will probably be my best friend now, and I'll drift further into 'la-la land' as my father calls it - this detachment from "reality" as he defines it. Reality where people lie and cheat, and sell their best friends and cheat on their significant others and the world is doomed by bad politicians who've been bought out by the psychologists who profile them to push forward a new, oppressive order designed to keep all of humanity in check - that's the reality of my father. That I should be shamed for seeing it differently and working dilligently to make it so, I have the hardest time comprehending that. That my joy for another opportunity to work every morning should be construed as insanity - that is sincerely troubling to me. I would never want to live in that world. I prefer one where every day you wake up and you are greeted with choices. Whether to be receptive to new ideas, to change your own mind, your old ways, to stop being unhappy with the state of affairs and to start working to change them - I really, really enjoy this point of view.

What's most difficult I think is the impulse to share it. Like Ram Dass said, you can't just go up to people and tell them it's all love! That doesn't work, and so they learned that in the 60's. I'm not trying to say it's all love, but I would like everyone around me to know that I am capable of loving them regardless of what they do or say and I am willing to suspend judgement for as long as they want me to. As long as they talk to me directly, otherwise the information is skewed and I'm left confused and with only fragments of the picture. But that's too far out. Maaaan, do I understand that. I have no sympathy for the bitter, and so harsh words will never be able to bring me down as they once did. Tarnish my reputation, it literally means nothing to me and the next time I hear anything about myself I will continue to laugh it off as I have grown accustomed to doing. Then I'll probably chat your ear off with why you are wrong because as Cizek says the best way to stop people from talking about you is to never shut up.